Most couples fight about finances. We have an unhealthy preoccupation with money. We’re always thinking about how we can earn more, save more, or spend more (or less). Unfortunately, we’re usually not overly concerned with how we can give more, but that’s another story for another blog. Because we’re so attached to and obsessed with our money, it doesn’t take much to get us to fight about it. That’s why it’s important for couples to be on the same page about financial issues. Otherwise, they’ll fight when it’s time to decide where to live, to buy a new car, to shop for Christmas gifts, and many other scenarios.
When the Bible says that a husband and wife become one flesh in marriage, we have to take that seriously. When you’re fighting with your spouse about money, you’re really fighting against yourself. Even if you’re in the right, if you’re allowing the discussion to be a fight then you’re not seeking what’s best for yourself as a member of the marital unit.
“He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:29).
Before taking any other steps to resolve financial conflict, go to your spouse and make sure he or she understands that you’re on their side. Even in your difference of opinion or perspective, what you both really want is what’s best for the marriage. Having that foundation makes the rest of these steps more effective.
Understand your spouse’s financial background.
On some level, we are all products of how we were raised. The way we view the world is inevitably influenced by where we grew up and how our parents lived and taught us. This applies to the way we view and handle money as well.
If you come from a frugal household where money was only spent on practical necessities, you may find yourself at odds with your spouse who grew up in a more free-spending environment where non-essential luxuries were a regular part of life. If you don’t understand how your spouse’s upbringing influences his or her financial philosophy, it will be impossible to connect and have productive money conversations.
Be careful about being judgmental in this area, as well. People who are financially more conservative tend to look at free spenders as being irresponsible, and those who are more relaxed with their spending often turn their noses up at those they perceive as being “cheap.” Step outside your own perspective and try to see your spouse’s money background for its benefits, not just its flaws.
Learn how your spouse talks about money.
There are many ways to say the same thing. You have to be aware of this, especially when talking about a topic as volatile as money. If you’re someone who communicates through budgets, charges and spreadsheets, but your spouse prefers a less formal or data-driven style of conversation, you’ll have a difficult time getting your point across, and you’ll both leave frustrated.
We are who we are, but we can compromise when discussing financial issues by tailoring our conversation to the other person’s style as much as possible. Remember, it’s more important that you both come to a mutual understanding than it is that you communicated it exactly how you thought you should.
Play to each other’s strengths.
Delegation of responsibility is crucial to the financial success of married couples. For one thing, it prevents you from finding yourself in a money power struggle with your spouse. It also takes the pressure off by not having any one person fully responsible for the family’s financial well-being.
Assign duties for each person in the marriage based on individual strengths. One person can be responsible for keeping the budget, while the other person is responsible for the bills. One person can take the lead on managing the food spending while the other keeps tabs on home maintenance costs. You can divide this however you like, based on each person’s personality, strengths and interests. It will turn financial management from a pain into a fulfilling and efficient activity.
Finances can feel like a marital battleground, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Keeping a Christ-like perspective on money will help. Don’t make an idol out of money. Don’t put it above God or above your spouse. Remember that everything you have is from God, and He has the power to give it and take it away at his leisure. This mindset will take the explosive stress out of money conversations and allow you to have peace and unity in your marriage.
Article submitted by Aaron Colen:
Aaron Colen is a copy editor for the Dallas Morning News, a freelance sports reporter for the Denton Record-Chronicle and a published blogger. Formerly the Sports Editor for the Chickasha Express-Star and freelancer for The Sports Xchange wire service